Wednesday, February 15, 2017

When God Hasn't Said "Go" Yet

When God calls you to a specific mission field, whether it be domestic or international, when it's different from what has been your day-to-day mission field, it can bring a range of emotions; excitement, fear, nervousness, anxiety, etc. But I think for me the excitement always won out.

In September I had the extreme privilege of serving in Haiti for a week. When I knew God was calling me to go to Haiti, I felt all of those emotions and more. I travelled solo to a third world country, it was my first time flying in years, and it had been quite some time since I had last left the country. I had fear for sure, but overall, the excitement won out.

Coming home from Haiti was shocking to my body and to my emotions. To go from the life I had grown accustomed to in that short week to being back to the many luxuries I have in America within a matter of hours honestly made me feel like I didn't know what to do. As much as I had missed things like hot showers and ice all week, once I was back here, I desperately wanted to go back. My perfect world in those first few days back would have been to be back in Haiti with  my husband and girls. 

I still have so many days, where my heart breaks to go back and I have begged God to call me back to Haiti, but so far, the answer has just been "not yet". And I need to be real with y'all..that's hard for me. I want to be in charge and make the call and hop on a plane. But He gently and lovingly reminds me of the work He has me doing here in the moment. However, He also continues to heavily burden my heart for Haiti, and as much as it hurts sometimes, it is a comfort to me because it reminds me that He's not closing that door. 

For me, when God hasn't yet said "go" it's a struggle. I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I just want to go. That's my nature. I want to be there holding those precious little children in my arms again. I want to have children climbing all over me for a simple treat like a piece of candy or nail polish that I never thought could bring so much joy. I want to be there untangling goats from the brush or worshipping on a small little rooftop church where language wasn't a barrier. I want to be walking with an amazing team of people praying over those we pass and having children run up to grab my hand. I want to be sweaty and dirty and covered in a greasy combination of sunscreen and bug spray. I want to be sleeping on a concrete rooftop with music in the background and chickens waking me up before the sun. 

But for now, I wait. I work here where He has lovingly placed me and wait for Him to say that precious word, "Go" again. Because when He does I'll be booking a flight faster than anyone you've ever seen. And there are some precious children I will be running to as fast as I can. 

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait.
(Josh Waller, "While I'm Waiting")

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