Saturday, November 19, 2016

Sometimes You Surprise Me

Oh my sweet baby boy...it's been more than four years since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same moments. I've learned to channel my grief into good by giving back to others or channeling it into art. The moments where it catches me off guard are pretty rare these days. It's always there, but those moments where the tears leak out happen less and less often.

But sometimes you surprise me.

This week it came in the mail. We received an invitation from our incredible church for a Mother/Son and Father/Daughter dinner. I smiled thinking of my husband who is an amazing father spending the evening with our precious oldest daughter. But then, as my eyes looked back to the invitation, they locked on the "mother/son" part of the invitation. 

The reality that I would not be participating in this dinner hit me. But not because I don't have a son. But because I do, but you're not here to go with me.

For a moment I imagined walking into that dinner. The picture is blurry as I only have faint ideas of what you might look like now. But in my mind you look like your daddy. I see your precious tiny hand clenched in mine, dragging me behind you as you take in everything in the room, occasionally drawing closer to my leg when someone speaks to you and you feel shy.

I see your blonde, wavy hair curling a bit on top of your head as you are dressed in a tiny suit that your daddy always liked looking at in stores when you were still kicking away in my womb. You turn to look at me with a smile on your face and I see your daddy's blue eyes that you would share with your sisters glistening with excitement as you start to tell me about something you see.

Pregnant with Barrett - 2012
And then I'm back in my bedroom in our apartment and I feel the tears dripping down my face.

Baby boy, you've changed my life. You made me a better person, and I don't know how I could ever thank you for that. Your death is a constant reminder to me to never take a day that I have with your sisters for granted. And I know that you are watching over tiny Gabriel until mom gets to see you both again. What a blessing to be able to grieve with hope.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, with a smile passing over my face as I think of what a blessing you have been to our family and countless other lives. But sometimes, like this moment this week, you still surprise me. 

You're not here for us to go to the dinner, but you are always in my heart and I will always, always, always carry you with me.

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