There is a song by Selah called "I Will Carry You" about the loss of their daughter, Audrey Caroline. When Barrett first died, I would listen to that song all the time. It was exactly what I needed.
I had not listened to it in awhile but just recently it came up when I had my iTunes on shuffle. There is a line in the song that says, "People say that I am brave, but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on". And the day I heard that song, that's exactly how I was feeling. When it played I thought, "Yes God! That's me!".
People will say, "I don't know how you do it. That must be so hard. You are so strong". The truth is, I'm not. I am weak. Many days, I am barely hanging on as I try to find a balance between being present with my children earthside while at the same time I long to be with my son along with everything else life throws our way.
But as I thought that and I could feel the well of tears slowly rising, I could feel God say, "But you are holding on. Maybe it's barely, but you are holding on, and that my child, is courageous".
I looked around the room and I thought about all of the women I've been blessed to cross paths with who share this heartache. I thought about the other people in my life who are fighting other unspeakable battles. We all have days where on the outside we appear brave, but the truth is we are barely hanging on. But you are hanging on; despite the pain, the heartache, and the raging storm, you are hanging on.
The truth is, that you are courageous.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
The truth is, you are loved and you are not alone.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth!
I may have many days where I feel that sentiment, I'm barely hanging on. But He is hanging on to me. He is ever faithful. He gives me joy and a reason to smile and sing. This road is hard. Burying your baby is hard. Being apart from them in this life is hard. But I am thankful for this journey. I am thankful He chose me to be Barrett's mom.
"I will praise the One who's chosen me, to carry you".