Tuesday, September 16, 2014

This Pregnancy

This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am making myself crazy. After losing Barrett, I'm so paranoid. I go back and forth between being convinced everything is fine and I'm going to bring this baby home to being petrified that there won't be a heartbeat when I go in for my ultrasound on Tuesday.

I dream about this baby almost every night. I have dreams of bringing the baby home. I have dreams of going in for an ultrasound and getting bad news. I have dreams of Audrey playing with the baby and I have dreams of delivering a dead baby. I know this sounds morbid, but this is the life of a BL mom expecting her rainbow. Thanks to Facebook and the power of social networking, I have other mom friends expecting their rainbows who are going through the same thing and that has been wonderful. That support is indescribable and it makes me feel a little less crazy to know I'm not the only one constantly going back and forth. Facebook has also allowed me to connect with other moms with epilepsy which has also been a wonderful support.

Being diagnosed with epilepsy has not helped this at all. As you can imagine it has made me 1,000 times more paranoid. I had a tonic clonic seizure when I was four weeks pregnant and we honestly still don't know if it affected the baby. It's basically a wait and see game. I find myself constantly praying for Baby C and leaning on Him for that peace.

Finding out I have Epilepsy brings its own set of worries: what if I have another seizure while pregnant? Will my seizure medicine affect the baby? The list goes on and on.

Sound stressful? It is. But stress is one of my triggers for a seizure, SO I'm doing my best to give it all to God one worry at a time.

I'm so excited about this baby, but part of me is afraid to let myself be excited. I'm afraid to let myself become too attached--but I'm honestly extremely attached already.

Having a rainbow baby is so many things all at once--joyful, exciting, terrifying, and full of worry. As a parent you want to protect your child, but this is one instance when you can't and that is frightening.

To all my readers expecting your rainbows--you and your little ones are in my prayers! I hope you are doing better than me with the worrying! I can't wait to see pictures of you holding your babies!


  1. Thinking of you Staci! I had my first ultrasound today and I was absolutely terrified. So far things are good but I am constantly worried. Hopefully 8 months from now we will both be holding our babies and all this worry will have been for nothing:)

  2. Praying for you and the beautiful little one you are carrying! ❤


I love hearing from you :)