Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Pretty Little Liar

Corny title, I know. But it's how I feel this week going through the motions; trying to choke back the tears at every turn. I want to let it all out, but while part of my world was frozen in time on August 23, 2012, the rest of it still spins.

I want to cry. I want to scream. Sometimes I feel like, maybe if I scream loud enough and long enough, the heaviness I feel in my chest every time I realize how close his birthday is will go away; maybe I'll be able to breathe again.

As a child you hear people tell you sometimes "life's not fair". That's true. It's not. 

It's not fair that instead of planning an adorable birthday party for Barrett on Saturday, I'm trying to decide what kind of flowers to take to his grave and deciding on a memorial to do this year. 

I spend every day wrestling with emotions. I go from being so overcome with joy from the time I was given with him to being angry that he is gone. It will
make you question your sanity. But burying a baby isn't sanity. And it doesn't get easier.

I saw a quote from Carley Marie that has resonated with me this week. "I will never stop grieving because I will never stop loving". There is so much truth packed in that statement.

I have three more days of pretending this week. Three more days of choking back tears with a smile. Then Saturday will come and the mask will melt away. 

I can't wait to visit you Saturday sweet baby boy.


  1. i am so sorry a mother should never out live her children a little something to make you smile (i hope ) YOUR NOT ALONE FOR HOPE FOR COMFORT YOUR BARRETTE IS OK

    please know that my heart aches for you as i am a mother i could not imagine how much it hurts but know that people love you and are saying prayers that it will get less painful for you as Aug.23 draws near

  2. As I read this, I am carrying my Rainbow baby and I just realized that on Avery's birthday I will hopefully have a beautiful baby in my arms. But that doesn't change the dread and hurt and heartache I feel. I love all three of my children equally. Differently, but equally. I'm so afraid of seeing April 19. This will be the first anniversary of Avery's life and death. I don't know what to do. How do you parent a child who never lived on Earth? Both my children were born in April; my living child and my angel baby. How do I celebrate a month where my oldest child was born and my second child died? I just wish I had some answers!
    Jessie Taylor Hollinghead


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