Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day 2 (Identity)

My beautiful baby boy's name is Barrett Luker. He has no middle name because we never settled on it. He was gone so suddenly and we thought we still had time to decide on that. On the day he was born, we weren't up for picking a middle name, so we left his name as what he had been called for the past few weeks: Barrett.

His name had no special meaning or anything like that. Brent and I just have a hard time agreeing on boy names and it was one that both of us loved. 

Barrett was born at 6:05 a.m. on August 23, 2012. He weighed 4.6 ounces. They didn't measure his length but I will always remember his size in my hands. From head to toe, he stretched from the tips of my fingers down to my wrist.

I could tell he would have looked like his daddy. He had his nose for sure. He was born with his eyes wide open. I've always read that babies don't open their eyes until later in the pregnancy, but his eyes were both wide open. I've always wondered what he saw before he left us.

Brent and I spent time with him after he was born, and then again before we left the hospital. We took pictures of him and with him that I will cherish forever. 

He was laid to rest with our family on August 26. We didn't say goodbye, but a heartbreaking see you again some day.

His identity is important to me. Only a handful of people were able to hold him. Only a handful of people saw him or his pictures. It's easy for the world to forget a soul they never met. For those of us who held him and love him, we can never forget.

It's important to me to speak his name and often. It's how I make sure he isn't forgotten. I can't take care of him physically like my other children, but as his mother, I can make sure that he is remembered. I can do my best to ensure that his legacy carries on long after I'm gone. It would break my heart if the world forgot my son. As his mother, I need to know he will be remembered. 

For four and a half months I carried him physically in my body. I will carry him in my heart for however long The Lord allows me to walk this earth. 

Barrett, Mommy loves you and missed you so much. I can't wait until I can hold you again.


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