Friday, August 22, 2014

Two Years Ago

I woke up this morning replaying August 22, 2012.
I took the day off of work. I noticed that morning that I hadn't felt Barrett move in a few days, but that is pretty normal for 18 weeks so I didn't think much of it. I did sit down on the couch with a flashlight and try to get him to move, but it didn't work. I remember thinking "Oh well. At least I get to see him later!".
I told my husband to go on to work. I wanted him to save his off days for when our son was born. I remember what I was wearing...maternity jean shorts and a flowing turquoise tank top.
I stopped by a friend's work to drop off a book. I excitedly left early for my appointment. I couldn't wait for my anatomy scan and to see my baby again.
When I went back, I had a new nurse. It was her first week. She found his heartbeat on the Doppler. I was at peace. It was only a few minutes later that I would find out that she had actually just heard mine. It wasn't Barrett at all.
I sat in the chair outside the ultrasound room and listened as the other family inside screamed excited cheers when the technician told them their baby was a boy. I smiled and sighed as I rubbed my own belly...full of pride that I was carrying my first son. I could feel that pregnancy glow.
Moments later, my life was changed. I knew before she said anything that something was wrong. I've had a lot of ultrasounds and their hearts are easy to see beating away on the screen. I didn't see that. He didn't move. And the technician excused herself.
You know the rest of the story if you've been following the blog. I sobbed in the room alone. I somehow managed to choke the words out to my husband on the phone. I went to another room and sobbed some more until the doctor came in to discuss when I wanted to deliver him.
My husband followed me home where we would pack our bags for the hospital. Just as I had announced our pregnancy months before, I had to tell the world that my baby died. I had to. Because who wants to deal with "How did the anatomy scan go?" when you're in labor to deliver a baby who has died?
I labored all night. I remember watching coverage on a hurricane and some show on Animal Planet about building extravagant fish tanks. I read my Bible on my iPad. I did everything possible to distract myself. I wanted to be somewhere else.
Two years ago, my life changed forever. I am a different person. I became a different kind of mother.
It was one of the hardest days of my life. Maybe the hardest. It's hard to choose between that, his birth, and his funeral. But it's in the top three for sure.
At this time two years ago, I never imagined that here, two years later, I would be picking out balloons and flowers for his grave tomorrow. Who expects to bury their baby?
But it's not all heartbreaking and gut wrenching.
Two years ago, I didn't have some of the amazing friends I have today that I met through Barrett and their angel babies.
Two years ago today, I had no idea the incredible ministries that exist for families of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.
Two years ago, I never would have considered training to be a bereavement doula.
Two years ago, I didn't value time with my children as much as I do today.
Two years ago, I didn't value the miracle of pregnancy and birth like I do today.
Two years ago, I had pushed away from my relationship with God, and He brought me back through Barrett.
Two years later, God is changing lives through Barrett.
I'm so thankful he's mine. I love being his mom.
I can't wait to hold you again sweet boy.
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