Wednesday, August 6, 2014

August 6th

I've been dreading this day. The weight of it pushes on me every spare second of every day when my mind has a moment to think. Today is the first of many "anniversaries" this month regarding Barrett.
 
On this day two years ago, I was so happy. I had traveled to Tuscaloosa for an ultrasound of our baby. He looked so perfect. I was able to watch him on the screen for an hour. I found out he was a boy. I ran in a local store and purchased two boy outfits in my excitement to show my husband. It was a perfect day.
 
Now, though it was a wonderful day, two years later it still brings me to my knees. I've snuck off a few times today to let the tears run down when I tire from holding them back. My makeup from today is long gone from my face.
 
I'm tired. Fighting emotions is tiring. Grief is tiring. Burying a child sucks. It does. I wouldn't trade my life for any other in the world. I am blessed to be Audrey, Barrett, and Cate's mom. But it still sucks. He should be burying me one day.
 
Grief isn't fair. It's not fair that I have to drive to a cemetery to visit my son. It's not fair that he's gone.
 
Grief is sickening. There have been moments today that I felt physically sick. I wanted to crawl in the bed and wish it all away. I wanted to hold him just one more time. I need him.
 
Grief is normal. All of it. No matter how you grieve. It's been almost two years since he died and I'm feeling it worse than I ever have. I feel like I'm drowning in the grief. Every spare second I have my heart races, my chest feels heavy; I need him here with me. The full picture of the puzzle is broken without his piece.
 
Losing him has been like finding myself all over again and having to figure out who I am again. But part of me now, is Barrett's mother and always will be. I'm not sure the journey of figuring out how to parent a child who isn't here ever ends. It's exhausting, heartbreaking, but at the same time fulfilling. No matter the heartache, he is still amazing and I was blessed to have him for a few months. Though it hurts, I am proud to be his mom. I long for the day when I can hold him again; when I can exchange these painful tears for joyous tears.
 
 
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7 comments:

  1. Lifting prayers for you today friend. My heart is heavy for you, but I'm confident there is purpose in your pain. Barrett 's life is and will continue to impact so many! Blessings.

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