Friday, November 29, 2013

He Was Never Mine

We've had a wonderful time celebrating Thanksgiving with family. But of course, when a piece of your family is missing, the holidays never quite seem to be complete.
 
Barrett has been on my mind a lot the past week--even more than usual. I've wondered what the holidays would be like if al three of our babies were here--if we had a little boy running around too.
 
I've read and I've prayed. I've asked God why MY baby had to die. Why couldn't I have all three of my babies here with me?
 
And then one day, right after one of these prayers, I was scrolling through Facebook while nursing Cate and I saw this image:
 
 
And it was just what I needed to see, and it was no coincidence. So I pulled out my Bible and I began to read the verses in these images and I was overwhelmed by the faith of three men in a story that I am familiar with, but experienced in a different way this day.
 
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were put to an incredible test of their faith--they put their lives on the line to stand up for the one true God. Even the threat of being burned alive could not shake their faith.
 
If their lives were spared, God is good. And if not, He is still good.
 
So I began to think about that. If God had allowed my son to live, God is good. But my son died, and God is STILL good. As the Lord began to work on me, I was overcome with a thankfulness for the time I had with my son and then it hit me: I didn't lose MY son. He was never MINE. He was God's from the start. The Lord entrusted me to care for him for eighteen weeks, but he was never really mine. He just went home.
 
My girls are not mine. They are the Lord's. I have been entrusted to care for them and to direct them to HIM but they are not mine. They always have and always will belong to the Lord. I am just incredibly blessed that He chose me to care for them.
 
And the same goes for Barrett. Barrett wasn't taken from me. He just went home a sooner than I would have liked. But my plans are fallible.
 
In God's perfect plan, Barrett was called back to heaven. He was called home. He was never mine. He has always belonged to the Lord. I just can't wait to hold that angel again.
 
Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
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