Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Reflections {9 Months}

Last week was 9 months since Barrett was born--9 months since he left us way too soon.
I have spent some time since then reflecting on what nine months has done. They say "time heals all wounds", but "they" lie. Time doesn't heal wounds. I've said this before--Time is merely a Band-Aid on the wound that allows you to learn to live with it.

How does a mother learn to live without her child? I don't know. It just happens. You spend days or weeks crying and climbing inside of yourself when, one day, you realize that although your world seems to have stopped, life is going on around you. You realize that you have to be strong for those around you. You realize that you have to learn to live with the pain, and one day that happens. You don't realize it--not until long after it has happened.
Like that day you stop to think how many days it has been since they died, and you realize you stopped counting last month. Or the day you realize that you can't remember exactly when the last time you sat down and had a good cry was. There comes a day when you realize that you can hold another's baby without falling apart. It doesn't mean you are forgetting. We never forget. It means your strength is overcoming your pain a little bit at a time.
Sometimes, I will admit, that strength is scary. Sometimes I feel like, maybe I should still be counting days or crying at the site of a baby who is the age he would be. But I know Barrett wouldn't want me to live like that forever. I know that he knows how much he is loved, and though others may not know it, not a single day has gone by in the year since I found out he was on the way that I haven't thought about him. For over a year now he has been on my mind everyday just like my living daughters.
Sometimes I still cry when I'm alone, and I know that that's ok too--like right now as I am writing this and the emotions are flooding back. But at the same time I think of his sister growing inside my womb and part of me feels like Barrett has a special part in watching over his sister.
For the longest time I couldn't decide what to do with his clothes--but they will go to Cate. A friend is going to applique and monogram them to make them look girly. Though others may not realize it, he will be living on through her as she uses his things.
Cate is due right after Barrett's birthday and I don't think that's a coincidence. I believe that was all in God's perfect plan--that I would have her to hold on that day.
I feel like in 9 months I am a different person. I don't stress about things that would normally make me crazy, because I've come to have a better understanding of how precious life is. My family is not something I take for granted--our time with them is precious.
9 Months later, I miss my son even more. I struggle with the conflict of well if he was here, Cate wouldn't be, which is a hard concept to truly understand. It's hard to realize that that is not choosing one of your children over the other.
My reflections over the last month have taught me that while time doesn't heal all wounds, time does allow your strength to begin to overcome your pain.

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  1. Oh, sweet Staci, you are so very inspiring to so many.

    Whenever you have a day, just let me know and we can sit and pick out appliques :) I am honored to be a part of helping you with Barrett's things :)

  2. Bless your heart, finding strength is times of sorrow is tough, and my heart aches for you. Bless you and your family and as time goes by I hope you find even more strength and comfort. CONGRATS on your baby girl!

  3. I am so sorry for you lost. You are a very strong person though and I am sure over time you will become even stronger.

  4. I don't know where to start my message here, because as I am reading your post tears start flowing. My mother got miscarriage with my two little brothers, I haven't seen them because their too little that time and I am 5 years old then. What I can see and feel is the horror that it brings to your life. Though my mother survive the pain and she go forward and forget the past there will always a time that she recall that scenario and she start crying. Pain is always there. FAITH in GOD will always prevail. Just hold on and think of your son as your angel. As what I do think with my two little brothers.

  5. I am so sorry for you loss. I have been there though - and more times than I care to share. It just wasn't God's plan either. I agree with you though - time does not heal all wounds. I think in my case it makes me appreciate what has become my life so much more. We saved the lives of three children who really needed us. In reality - we really needed them. My heart still aches and it has been years and the earliest loss was actually two decades ago - hard to even type that since I remember every moment like it was yesterday. But those losses make up "me" and I am at peace with them. I hope you are able to also get to that point. It is very hard.

  6. So sorry to hear about your loss... hope you are doing ok!

  7. I am sorry :( thanks for sharing.

  8. You are such a great mother to share this with us and although I'm in tears, it was a great post.

  9. My heart aches for you Staci, Ive lost a father, a husband and a sister before but i dont think none of that can compare to losing a child. One thing we can hold on for sure is the promise of God that in times like this we can hold on to Him for He gives us comfort. Thanks for sharing

  10. I'm so sorry for you loss!! I know what you mean by people saying time heals all wounds!! Ya I don't think so!! Time may make it a little easier to go about your day without complete meltdowns but our wounds will never heal completely until our time is up and I'm greeted at the Heavenly Gates by my loved one!!

  11. This is really special. Thank you for sharing. I love that you are finding ways to remember him. May you feel the peace of heaven and know that you will see him again someday.


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