Wednesday, March 6, 2013


This post is cleverly titled--not. I don't even know where to begin or exactly what to say, but be prepared for a vent type post--I've just got to organize my thoughts.

Let me start by saying how blessed I am. In general, I am blessed far beyond anything I deserve. Right now I am feeling especially blessed--I have a wonderful new job that I love and enjoy, and a job that allows me a lot more time with Audrey--that's important to me. I was starting to feel like I hardly ever got to see my precious child and I had been worried about how hard it would be to leave a newborn to go back to my previous schedule. I no longer have those worries and for that I am especially thankful. I now see how much Audrey was missing me too--like in the mornings when we actually have time to eat breakfast together now and in the afternoons when I pick her up "early" and she tells me how happy that makes her. I fight back tears every time. I feel I've been given the opportunity to get to know her even better because we have more time to just talk.

This has hit me big time. I worked and worked to provide for my family, but I was always at work and when I came home I was tired and was ready to go to bed right after I ate. I didn't realize how much I was missing--all the little things I was shrugging off because I was tired or busy--they were important to her and I am thankful to have the time to treasure those things with her.

I am blessed to be carrying my third child--a beautiful baby with long legs, whose flutters remind me every day of the precious life God has entrusted to my care. I cannot wait to meet this precious baby. I can't wait to hold this baby and smother it with kisses. I often imagine the emotional moment when I hold my rainbow baby for the first time, and I absolutely cannot wait.

That being said, today I'm consumed by guilt. A few months ago I did what I know to be "the right thing" to do. I guess I thought that by doing the right thing, that things would be better than if I kept quiet about it. But now I don't know. Part of me feels guilty for not just dealing with it myself. I've been beating myself up all night--why? Because I "did the right thing". I feel no guilt for telling the truth, but I can't help but sometimes feel that the way it affects my loved ones is my fault for opening my mouth rather than just dealing with it myself.

I'm so torn and don't even know what to think tonight. I'm sorry I'm not being more specific and if you're bored I don't expect you to read all of it--I'm just organizing thoughts and letting it out.

How is it that telling the truth can in the end cause you to feel worse?

I guess that's what I don't understand.

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