Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Guest Blogging and a Few Thoughts for the Day

I never got a chance yesterday to share the link for the guest blog I did at Marine Wife, Mommy & Life, but here it is: CLICK HERE

Last Saturday was seven months since Barrett was born. I've heard countless times that time heals all wounds, but that's a lie--or rather just a saying to make us feel better. Time is merely a band aid on the wounds that life gives us just from living. To say things are easier now than they were in, say, September would not be entirely true. I don't miss Barrett any less. I love him even more. I miss him even more. I've learned to live with it and I've learned to mask the pain in the moments where I am sure my grief will overwhelm me once more.

When your child leaves this earth before you do, a part of you goes with them. The song Homesick by MercyMe never made as much sense to me as it does now. I've never been more homesick for my heavenly home than now because a huge part of my heart--a huge part of me--is already there.

I think about what he would be doing now at seven months--wanting mommy to cuddle him when he is cutting those nasty teeth, or crawling as fast as he can to chase his big sister down the hall. My heart breaks as I realize my home will never be full and complete without him. There will always be that huge part of our family that is missing.

This past weekend, I cleaned and went through things to make room for our little one on the way. I picked up Audrey's coats that were laid across the rocking chair and I felt the tears roll down my face. My mom rocked me in that chair. I rocked Audrey in it. But Barrett never got to come home to it.

Then I imagined sitting there with this baby. I thought about rocking this baby with his or her brother's lovey as a reminder that he lived. That's my biggest fear. As long as I live, his memory will live. But what happens after I'm gone? Will his life be forgotten? It is my prayer that his legacy lives on through Barrett's Blankets and that God continues to work through his life long after I'm gone.

We go back to the doctor today to check on Baby C and though I heard that strong heartbeat this morning, the anxiety is still there. In three weeks I will be at the point in my pregnancy when Barrett died and that carries a whole new level of anxiety with it. Point of Loss is an extremely emotional time for any mom with a loss. I hope and pray that when I get past that point, my anxiety will ease a little.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

2 comments:

  1. Be sure to stop by for the Bunny Hop Blog Hop and tell your friends, and email your friends. http://pinkowl07.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-bunny-hop.html

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  2. I came to a lot of these same conclusions not long ago. I wrote a blog post on healing...or rather NOT healing. I had a VERY hard time approaching week 16 (which was the week Landyn measured at) and pretty much on through week 20 (the week she was delivered). I am at 25 weeks today and I have noticed a definite lowering of my stress and anxiety. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I can feel this baby moving so well, and he moves a LOT. That tells me more than any dr appt will. I think just being past all the bad connections between that pregnancy and this one helps too. I always feel a little wary though, that at any moment the downward spiral could start again. But...I just keep telling myself to take it one day at a time.

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