Wednesday, February 20, 2013

That Moment Everything Changes

Here's a fact: You can deny the truth, but you can't change it. Denying the truth will never change the truth.

Here is another fact: You can't change the past. I know at points we all wish we could, but you can't. You can truly be sorry for things that have happened in the past. You can repent, you can apologize, you can "make things right" but you can't change it. You can't take anything back.

This is something we all learn in life. Of course we know this to be true, but there are times in life when it really just hits you. You messed up and you can't take it back. So, you grow up, you deal with it, and hopefully you take some wisdom away from it.

Everyone in life has that moment where your whole world changes. Often, there are many. These moments shape you. They determine how you think about things, how you trust people--everything about how you view the world.

I can think of a handful of these moments in my life. One recently was Barrett's death. Through his death, God worked on my heart. His death changed how I view everything. Barrett's beautiful life reminded me just how short life really is and we never know when our heart will beat for the last time. His death put some passion in my life. We are here for such a short time. Why do we waste so much of it?

I remember reading the Great Commission shortly after his death. It was my challenge to myself to pray about sharing Jesus with others and for my eyes to be opened to opportunities to do so. We are here to bring glory to God. God used Barrett's life to show me how much I was wasting my time on petty things--on myself--when it should be all about Him.

The 22nd of every month is completely consumed by thoughts of Barrett. My first thought is always "It's been ___ months since I found out he died". I'm not the same person I was on August 21st. The little things I never noticed before are the big things. I've realized that some things I thought were important are insignificant. Things that bothered me before don't now. In the grand scheme of things our daily "complaints" just don't seem so important anymore.

Barrett's Blankets was started in the hopes of bringing comfort to others. It turns out, I have been blessed by it the most--I promise you. It has brought so much joy to my life. I pray it does the same for others. The support, generosity, and prayers that I have seen from complete strangers has been humbling and has truly blessed my heart.

I wrote this question in the front of my Bible so I have to see it daily: What message is your life proclaiming?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

What is it Like?

What is it like?

This is a question I've been asked about having a seizure. If you've never had one, then you can't really know what it's like. I pray that you don't ever truly know that feeling. It is not a fun one.

There are different types of seizures and they affect people differently. I suffer from tonic clonic seizures. Suffer. There is no other word for it. It's miserable.

When I have a seizure it affects all of me--both mentally and physically. I can't remember anything. I remember with my last seizure in January waking up in an ambulance with a man standing over me asking me if I knew where I was and what his name was. I was terrified. I had no idea where I was or who he was. My vision was blurry and I could barely make out the inside of the ambulance. Nothing was familiar to me. What was even scarier? Finding out that he had already told me where I was and what his name was more than five times.

When I have a seizure, my short term memory is temporarily shot. That is a terrifying feeling. Even when my memory came back a couple of days later, all I could remember was going to church and then coming home and washing clothes, and waking up in an ambulance.

Imagine losing complete control over your body physically and it can happen any time, any place. Scary?

When I wake up, I'm exhausted. All I want to do is sleep for days. It literally takes 2-3 days before I start to have energy and feel like myself again. One seizure sets me back for days. I hate it.

Life with epilepsy is a daily struggle mentally and emotionally even on seizure free days. Everywhere I go--work, church, shopping, anything--I think Please don't let me have a seizure here.

Being pregnant, every day I pray to stay seizure free at least until baby gets here. The possible harm a seizure could cause baby scares me more than anything.

Having epilepsy is miserable at times, but like I said in a previous post, I am a firm believer that God can turn your miseries into a ministry. I'm just waiting to see how He will use this and what the future holds. I am praying that my epilepsy diagnosis will somehow bring glory to Him.