Wednesday, January 2, 2013

This Journey

Yes, I'm going to blow up the blog today, but I had two very different topics I wanted to discuss. This post is about the journey I have been on since August--this journey of grief--life after losing a child.

Barrett was due this month. I should be starting my maternity leave--washing baby clothes, cleaning bottles, and all of those last minute things. I should be excited to finally hold my screaming baby boy.

But I'm trying to focus on what is actually going on instead. Our princess is about to turn four (Where in the world have four years gone????). A Pay It Forward day is going on in memory of Barrett. God is still working in people's lives through my son's short life.

This journey has been so many things all rolled into one--painful, sorrowful, joyful, and so much more. I remember after Barrett died thinking that I would be ok if I didn't have to stay here on earth. No, I was never suicidal--I would never intentionally leave this earth-- but I would have been very fine with the Lord calling me home at that moment so I could hold Barrett again.

Then an amazing thing happened. God gave me a huge reminder of why I was still here and why my son was not--painful as it was.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Barrett's story was published on the blog, and I began to hear from thousands of people--thousands of people whose lives had been touched and radically changed by God when they read Barrett's story. I am still hearing from people daily and it is a constant confirmation of what God is doing through my baby.

After I had Audrey, I always told myself I don't know what I would do if I ever had to bury a child--I would never survive it. If I'm completely honest I could not survive this on my own--no way. I would have fallen flat on my face never to get back up again months ago had Jesus not been by side steadying me every step of this journey.

There were days when I really struggled--I know that God knew I would need Audrey so much during this time. I hope to one day tell her just how much she did for her Momma these last few months. On those tough, tough days, it was hard to find reasons to enjoy anything here when a huge part of me--my heart--was in heaven. 

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
Matthew 22:36-37

I mentioned in the previous post that the Lord has really been dealing with me--well, in more ways than one. As much as I love my children and my husband, I am to love God so, so much more. He is number one.

So on those tough days, I'm learning to truly let go of the hurt and give it to God.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

God is reminding me of the reason that I'm still here.

Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:16-20 

"Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest. Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that sower and reaper may rejoice together."
John 4:35-36

"And, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace."
Ephesians 6:15

"Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else."
2 Corinthians 9:13

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15


  1. made me realize some things going on with my life ♥♥♥ lovely post.


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