Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Little Bit of Everything

Ok--today I am going to show you just how "scatterbrained" I can be. Rather, let's go with multi-tasker. I have so many things I want to blog about tonight and, yes, I am going to cram them all in one post, so be prepared--this could get long, but I'll do my best not to overdo it.

First, I have been overjoyed to see how excited Audrey is about being a big sister again! She has been telling everyone she comes in contact with "There's a baby in my Mommy's tummy!". We shared the news with her last night and the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Guess what the doctor found in my tummy today!
Audrey: A BABY?!?
Me: Yes!!!
Audrey: (as serious as could be) I told you you was gonna have a baby.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Right around Thanksgiving Audrey walked up to me as serious as could be and said "Mommy, I'm gonna have a baby sister in your tummy soon". It was so shocking because she said it so seriously and just out of nowhere. Since then she would mention things she was going to do with her baby sister that would be in mommy's tummy soon. I took that as God saying "I will bless you again. Be patient". Little did I know I wouldn't have to be patient for very long before we found out about Baby C on my grandfather's birthday. (Yes, my grandfather who passed away in November and right before Barrett's due date--He's always on time). She continued to skip around the house singing "Mommy's gonna have a baby! Mommy's gonna have a baby!".

In saying that, my intuition is definitely saying Girl  this time and I'm 2/2 so far, so we will see! All this momma wants is a healthy, screaming baby in September!

As excited as Audrey is, she also broke my heart tonight. When we were walking out the door for church she was telling me how she couldn't wait to tell Mrs. Donna about her baby in my tummy. Then she turns to me and says--Mommy, I hope this baby doesn't have to go to heaven. Do you think it will? Shattered--that's the only way to describe my heart in that moment. All I can tell her is that Mommy really prays we get a lot of time with this baby, but it's up to God. She asks the hardest questions sometimes, but it reminds me how beautiful her heart is. I have a baby in my tummy that is currently the size of a sesame seed that she has never seen or met, yet she is so head over heels in love already. I know she will be an amazing big sister.

Thank you all for your prayers for Baby C. I'll be going back to the neurologist next week and I also ask for prayers for no more seizures because that would be very dangerous for Baby C. I am trusting my doctors and putting my faith in the Great Physician.

So onto my next thoughts for the day--I was listening to some music this morning while cooking breakfast and was on a Jeremy Camp kick. It seemed like every song that came on, God was really speaking to me. Here is the first one:

Empty Me:

The song says:

Holy fire burn away
My desire for anything
That is not of You
And is of me
I want more of You and less of me

Empty me

Then at the end, the songs says so simply, yet so incredibly powerfully: I want more, I want more of you Jesus.

Wow. That's all I could think. I began to wonder what God would do and how He would move if we went to Him in prayer with that and we meant it. It made me think of these verses:

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Philippians 1:21

What do you think would happen if we truly put away all of our selfish desires, everything that is of this world, and laid it down before Him? What would happen if our prayer was I want more of you Jesus? That thought truly convicted me to my core today. To fall so in love with Jesus that our only desire is to have more of Him--I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

The next song that really struck a chord with me was My Desire:

Here is part of the song:

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

I love this also. Each one of these songs I heard, hit me as a prayer. If we truly prayed for God to use us, again, what would happen? The last few months I've seen how God has used my baby boy and it has convicted me to the core--if He can touch so many people through my little boy, how much time am I wasting not working for the kingdom? But at the same time, I was deeply convicted this morning because I thought to myself: How often during the last few months have I sincerely told God that my desire is for Him to use me for HIS glory?. My toes? Yeah, they're hurting.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
Isaiah 6:8 

I hope I didn't get so long that you quit actually reading halfway through, but like I said, my mind has been busy today. I am so excited about this baby I literally feel like I could just stand up and shout about it throughout the day. I am overjoyed that God has blessed us with this beautiful baby. 

I've got to tell you I've been having a hard time with Barrett's due date fast approaching. I'll be honest with you that lately I tear up anytime someone mentions it. I try to fight them back, but this month is just really hard. I so badly want to be holding my Barrett while he screams and rocking him to sleep at night like I had envisioned I would spend January. That piece of my heart is still missing and always will be. My Jesus is bringing healing, but I will always miss my baby boy. I know that God knew I would need the comfort of Baby C during this time. I cannot say this enough--HE IS SO, SO, SO GOOD!!!!


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