So, wait--I know some people are probably thinking that I should have said something like I want to be remembered as a Christian. That's true, but I think how I phrased it covers that and so much more. I don't want to just be remembered as a Christian, but someone who followed Christ wholeheartedly. I don't want to just be remembered as a "good parent", but someone who loved all of my children wholeheartedly. I want to be remembered as someone who put my whole heart into everything I do--my faith, my family, my everyday life.
Being a follower of Christ does not in any way mean that my life is perfect--I've been given way more chances than I deserve. I been thrown a lot of curve balls the past year. But I can look back and see it all in a positive way. God can turn our miseries into our ministries. I wrote in an earlier post about battling eating disorders as a teenager. That was a horrible aspect of my teenage life because I allowed it to consume me. But now, God has placed different people in my life along the way who had self esteem issues where I could say You know, I've been there. But an all powerful Savior reached down and pulled me out and PRAISE GOD I never have to go back there and He's waiting for You now.
I went through a time in my life where I reacted to a certain situation by lashing out and becoming angry at God. I did my best to run away from Him. "Back slidden" is a nice term for the place I was at. But that whole time, He was still right there. He never left me, and though I was pushing Him away He continued to pour out blessings on me I didn't deserve. God used that to teach me that You cannot run away from Him, and you shouldn't try to. You will be miserable. I've tried that and it's now part of my testimony.
Then in August of 2012, God brought me to my knees in a tiny little ultrasound room. I went into a panic in those first moments I had alone in that room. I remembered running from God in the past and how it didn't work. So I curled up in a ball on that table and I cried out to Him and I wholeheartedly let Him back in. God used my son to bring me running back to Him. Despite all I had done to push Him away, He was waiting with open arms for that moment. Abundant mercy and grace.
The hardest thing in my life has now become my most passionate ministry. I never dreamed God would give me a platform to speak to so many people--to become good friends with so many of you. I never dreamed God would allow me to be a part of a ministry that allowed me to visit places like Le Bonheur Children's Hospital and Alabama Children's--God grew a new passion in me through the death of my son and showed me a way to use a childhood hobby as a means to start conversations with others about Him.
Now an epilepsy diagnosis has been thrown my way. That part of my future is uncertain. Having a seizure during certain activities could be extremely dangerous. Having a seizure completely wears me out mentally and physically--it's scary and it's frustrating, but it's part of my life now. I could go my whole life and never have another, or they could get progressively worse--at this point I don't really know yet. Since being diagnosed with epilepsy and reading as much as I can about it, I've come to realize that I was one of those people with a false view of what it really is.
Here is a video from the Dr. Oz show about what you should do if someone is having a seizure: