Monday, December 10, 2012

In a Nutshell

I have had many many requests to do a catch up post for those who are just now joining the blog. If you are a newcomer, this is your post!

This blog is written by me (Staci) and was originally started to keep everyone up to date on everything going on with our family. My husband (Brent) and I have a beautiful daughter (Audrey) who is growing way too fast and will be FOUR next month--still blows me away! In May of 2012, two pink lines told us we were expecting baby #2. With Audrey, everything went so smooth. It was seriously the perfect pregnancy. Naturally, I expected this pregnancy would go the same way.

The first week of June was the week of our first baby appointment. Brent and I were so excited, and even more so when we saw a healthy little peanut with a wonderful heartbeat! At nine weeks I was able to have another ultrasound and was once again thrilled to see our little one growing right on track with a wonderful heartbeat. I began to count down the days until I would learn if I would be buying pink or blue. Happy does not begin to describe how I felt. I absolutely love being a mom and I couldn't wait to welcome this baby in the new year. (Barrett was due January 22, 2013)

On August 6 I traveled to Tuscaloosa to find out boy or girl. My husband had to work so I went by myself. Almost 45 minutes after I arrived, our little man finally spread his legs and gave us some great "boy shots". I was thrilled! I would have my girl and a boy. I absolutely could not wait to tell my husband (who by the way did not believe me at first because he wanted a boy SO bad he was convinced he would never have one). I left the hospital and went to pick up a few blue outfits. I bought him an outfit with footballs and one with guitars--2 of mine and my husband's favorite things.

We had already picked out a boy name and a girl name, so Barrett was already decided on. This was on a Monday, and on Saturday we had our "Gender/Name Reveal Party". We had the adorable cake with the blue inside to let everyone know we were Team Blue! Then, we had a monogrammed onesie with his name to tell everyone we had chosen to call him Barrett.

On August 22, I went in for my routine appointment at 18 weeks. I wasn't supposed to have an ultrasound that day, but they happened to have time and told me I could go back if I wanted (I now firmly believe this was the Lord looking out for us). The moment my son popped up on the ultrasound screen, my heart sank. The usually talkative ultrasound technician didn't speak one word and my baby boy did not move at all. He was curled up in a ball and completely still. I watched as she measured him and everything measured 16-17 weeks. My heart sank further. Then, she excused herself. I knew my son was gone. Mother's instinct had already kicked in. All I wanted to do was to save my son. It is a mother's instinct to protect their child. But the problem was there was nothing I could do. Never in my life have I ever felt so completely helpless. I cried out to God and I BEGGED Him to somehow take me instead. I prayed for a miracle and I prayed that they were wrong. But the doctor came back with her and confirmed my worst fears.

I was given the option to induce labor that night or wait a few days or a week. When it came to that decision, I have to be honest with the fact that I didn't even ask my husband what he wanted to do. I knew there was no way I could go for days knowing I was carrying around my dead child. I would have lost whatever sanity I possessed at the time. I was at this appointment alone, but my husband immediately drove to me and followed me home.

I live 45 minutes from the hospital which is a long drive when your world has just come crashing down. I called my mom and then a very good friend and held myself together long enough to tell them what was going on. Then, I completely lost it. Amazingly, the song "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe played in my car and a peace came over me that I can't explain. (I'll post the song at the end of this post in case you have never heard it. LISTEN to it. You have to understand how amazing it was that that song played when it did).

My husband and I went home and packed our things. I had posted the lyrics from "Bring the Rain" to my Facebook page and people began to call and text to ask if everything was ok. I never meant for those lyrics to draw the attention it did, it was just simply how I felt at the time (The part of the song I posted said: Could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?) I was in no state to answer texts or calls, so I made another Facebook post. It said:

With the heaviest heart right now, Brent and I are preparing emotionally to let our son be with God. He has no heartbeat as we found out today at a routine appointment. We are heading to the hospital now where we will face this hardest thing we've ever done together. We ask that people please understand we are not in any shape to talk so if you call or text, we are not taking them. Prayers are appreciated as we know God has a plan we are just trying to cope with it as we will never understand it. Our little boy was such an angel that God needed him more and although we won't meet him when we planned too, we will meet him one day and I know he is beautiful.

 I wanted to tell exactly what happened before word got out and stories got flipped around. I wanted people to know that my God was the only reason I was holding it together. 

We went straight back to the hospital and met with my doctor. I was induced at 6:00 p.m. and Barrett was born peacefully sleeping at 6:05 a.m. the next morning on August 23, 2012. He weighed 4.6 ounces and he was gorgeous. Brent and I were able to spend a lot of time with him--holding him, taking pictures with him, and just taking in his beauty.  

The story of Barrett's Blankets can be viewed by CLICKING HERE and clicking the tab "The Story Behind it All"

MercyMe Bring the Rain:

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