Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I Will Carry You

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith is a must read for anyone who has lost a child. It was given to me when Barrett died and I am so thankful for that. In reading the book, I also learned of the song. I will post the video at the end, but here are the lyrics:

I Will Carry You
Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that  am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who`s chosen me
To carry you  


I sobbed the first time I heard this song. It is exactly how I feel on a daily basis. There is not a day that goes by that something I will never get to do with Barrett crosses my mind. I miss him so much. The past three days I have grieved deeply. It hasn't been the easiest three days and I can't help but think that maybe it wouldn't be as bad if I could come home and not feel that empty void where Barrett should be.

My whole family loves music and Audrey and I sing all the time. I adored rocking her and singing to her when she was a baby. While I did rock Barrett in my arms for a short time, I never sang to him like that. I did not have enough composure to even consider it. There have been times I went to his grave alone and just sang to him and I imagine him back in my arms for the moment. This song is one that I'm sure Barrett knows the words to if he can hear momma singing in heaven. It is exactly what I want to say to him sometimes.

Verses like Psalm 139:13-16 and Jeremiah 29:11 remind me that God had a plan for Barrett long before we even knew of him. It was never in God's plan for Barrett to walk this earth. Barrett fulfilled his purpose here in 18 weeks. Now his legacy is continuing on.

Another line in this song stands out to me:

People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on


I have people tell me on a daily basis how strong I am. I truly appreciate all of your kind words. You have no idea how much your encouragement has done for me. It never fails to bring a smile to my face. But here's the truth: I am weak. I am not strong. My Jesus has been strong for me. He has carried what I can't. He has walked with me through the hardest thing a parent can do. If not for Him, I am scared to say where I would be today.

Designs by Held created a bracelet for me that simply says I Will Carry You. That is my daily promise to Barrett. I physically carried him his entire life here and I am so blessed that God chose me to be his mommy. Though the journey has been painful, it has been amazing and well worth it for the time I had with my beautiful baby boy. Though I can no longer physically carry Barrett, I will speak his name daily. I will tell his story daily. I will do everything I can to make sure he is not forgotten.

As much as I love my son, this song makes another amazing point. Jesus loves him so much more. I would give my life for my children without even thinking. Yet, that love pales in comparison to the love Jesus has for them. In fact, there is no comparison. That's incredible. That is amazing.

I have gained some amazing friends the past few months. God has brought some of the most incredible people into my life through Barrett. For that I am so grateful. I love all of you!

I have also lost some people in my life. I have had people tell me they just can't handle hearing, seeing, or reading about Barrett all of the time because it makes them sad. I understand that and I am not mad at anyone who has done that. But I cannot walk away from the pain or the loss. It is forever a part of me. This is me. For those who have stood by me, thank you. It really means the world to me.




2 comments:

  1. We had this song at the funeral for Rory. Rory was born sleeping on the 9th October. it is a very special song to me.

    I am so sorry for the loss of Barrett. There are really no other words - just hugs.

    xx

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  2. This book was one of the first I read that I really connected to. She really puts the spiritual side of loss into perspective. It really helped me see God was in control when we lost Avery to SIDS and is STILL in control even though I wish our circumstances were different. Love to you and your family. <3.

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