Wednesday, December 5, 2012

August 23, 2012~ Barrett's Birthday

At the beach with Audrey
Many people have asked me about the day Barrett was born. It is becoming easier and easier for me to talk about it. I've always loved sharing, but now I can actually talk about that day without crying. I'm going to use this post to try to answer the questions I am most frequently asked. I was 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant on the day Barrett was born. I was almost halfway through my pregnancy. Because Barrett was born before 20 weeks, the state where Barrett was born classifies his death as a miscarriage. This term can be confusing as most people associate the term with an early pregnancy loss. In fact, my doctor even said it was an outdated term for mid 2nd trimester losses. Because I was so far in my pregnancy, I had to go into the hospital and be induced. I went through eleven hours of labor knowing the whole time that I was giving birth to a child who was gone.

Few words were spoken during those eleven hours. Many prayers, but very few words. We did not see visitors, not even family. I had already cried so much that my eyes were swollen and my eyes and cheeks were permanently red and hurting. I wanted to hold myself together as much as I could and I knew I couldn't do it if I had to face people. I could not even answer calls or texts except for a few people that I consider family and wanted to keep informed.

Brent and I had the option of whether or not we wanted to see Barrett. We both knew we wanted to see him and hold him. One thing that always stood out in my mind is the moment Barrett was born when the doctor said "The baby is here" but then there was silence. There was no beautiful newborn cry that one would expect to follow soon after those words. It was completely silent.

They laid Barrett on a blanket and handed him to us. Everyone left the room and allowed my husband and I to have time with our son. His eyes were open when he was born and I always wondered what he had been looking at. I stared into his eyes for a long time. I counted his fingers and toes. I looked over every inch of his tiny body. Many people have asked me if he was fully formed and while he obviously still had growing to do, he looked like a very tiny baby. He weigh 4.6 oz and was about the length of my hand--just a little longer.

Later during the day, we asked them to bring him back to our room. We took pictures with him and held him some more. I rocked him in my hands. The hardest part of that day was giving him back to the nurses that last time because I knew that would be the last time I ever held his body. That was a hard reality to grasp. I am selfish and I wanted to keep him, though obviously I couldn't. I kept putting it off. I could have held him and looked at him forever. That was so hard. I knew when she walked away with my baby I would never see his body again other than the beautiful pictures that we have and that we treasure. I would never touch my son or look into his eyes again.

I hope this answers some of your questions about that day and our time with our beautiful son.

Teeny Tears Bereavement Diaper
I also wanted to share that we received a Teeny Tears Bereavement Diaper through a giveaway on the Beloved Stars Facebook page. It is perfect and is the perfect size for our Barrett. I hope this picture will give you some perspective on his size because this tiny diaper would have been perfect for him. Please check out both of these organizations and the wonderful things that they do.

Also wanted to share a new favorite song:


I love hearing from you :)