Monday, November 12, 2012

The Weight of it All

I have a lot of good days since losing Barrett, but every once in awhile "one of those days" just creep up on me and I lose it. Yesterday was one of those days. I cried a lot. I don't know why. It wasn't an anniversary or anything like that. His absence just hit me yesterday; like someone smacked me in the face and said Your baby is GONE.  It's November. I should be joyously posting a 2 month until my boy is here countdown on Facebook, but I'm not. Instead I'm still here counting how many days since I lost him. 81 days. Still counting.

I compare his absence to a weight because it just pushes me down, until once in awhile I break. I carry the weight for as long as I can, but sometimes you just need a day where you can hide away and not have to be strong. This is a lesson I'm learning. I don't always have to be strong. I am thankful for beautiful people in my life who remind me that it's ok to break sometimes and thankful for their listening ears when I do. I love the people who will listen to me talk about him for hours on those days when I need to let it out.



On the days when I do break, that's all I want to do. I want to cry and I want to talk about him. That seems to be the only way to lessen the overwhelming pain on those days. It's like every time I speak his name and every time I admit all of the things about him I am grieving, the weight lessens just a little, until finally I can pick myself up and put the pieces back together. I am ready to be strong again. I pick up the weight of his absence once again and place it back in my heart where I will carry it once again for as long as I can until I find myself broken again. It's a cycle that I will be on for the rest of my life, but I am finding that these days get farther apart as time goes on. My pain from losing him is not any less, but I am stronger. I am able to carry it more and longer. I am learning ways to cope with it.

God sends angels on earth into our lives and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for those that I can call in complete tears and by the end of the conversation the tears have dried and been replaced by smiles and laughter.

Barrett man,


Momma misses you oh so much. I love to pull out your pictures and look at your beautiful eyes. It has always been so remarkable to me that your eyes were open. I don't know why that has stood out to me, but I am so thankful God gave me the opportunity to look into your beautiful eyes before you were laid to rest. It often makes me wonder what you were looking at before you left us to go to heaven. Were you watching your precious little hands? Or were you watching the shadows and changes of light that were happening outside in our world? I'll never fully understand why you were taken from us, or why we were allowed to have you long enough to fall in love, only for you to leave us. I'm so thankful for the time I had with you. I remember thinking how remarkable it was that I began to feel your movements so early in my pregnancy. Looking back now, I think that was God's gift to me; that He allowed me to have that with you before you left. I will always treasure those early mornings before anyone else was awake where I would lie as still as I could and wait to feel one of your little flutters. I am so thankful for the 18 weeks I had you with me. I know that's longer than many moms have. But I can't help longing for the rest of your life I thought we would have together. YOU should have been burying ME. This just seems so wrong. Some days I feel guilty for not going to visit your grave more than I do, but please understand that it's still really hard for momma to swallow that fact. It's hard for me to go visit my baby's grave and see how tiny it is. When I have been in the past, it just seems so backwards and I often catch myself imagining an older version of you visiting me there; the way it should be. I grieve not only for you, but for the plans we had for you and all of the things that will never be. I grieve for your laughter I will never hear, that precious first word, those first steps, the first time you would tell me "I love you", the balls we will never throw, the dirt and mud I will never wash off my little country boy, little league games we will never watch as crazy parents get way too out of control while I just laugh, the football games where I won't hear your name over the speaker, the wedding where I will never watch your face when you see your bride, the grandchildren I will never hold, and the list goes on and on and on. People tell me all the time that I am still young. I will have another child and maybe another boy to do these things with. And while I would love that, it won't be you. It won't be the first little boy I carried in my womb and gave birth to. It will never be the first baby boy that took a chunk of my heart with him to heaven. I can never be whole again. I'm just learning how to live with that massive hole in my heart. I'm learning how to continue life on earth while a huge part of me is in heaven. I love you so much. That saying "If love could have saved you, you never would have died", that is so true. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love you and and your sister. So many times I wish I could trade places with you, but I know that's not how God planned it. I know that for some reason God needed you there and needed me to carry on here. I know that you are happier than I could even hope to imagine. So until we meet again little man, know you are so loved here. I look forward to the day when I will see you again and I will anxiously run to you like I have never ran before.

Love, Momma

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