Tuesday, November 13, 2012

If I Had the Chance

Today I thought about what I would do if I were given one more chance to see my Barrett; one more opportunity to just be with him. What would I say? What would I do? Obviously I would run to that opportunity like someone running for their life--because that is exactly what I would be doing. I would be running for the opportunity for my life to be whole again for a moment. I would scoop him up and cover him in more love than I knew I had. I would take in every inch of him all over again and be stunned by the beauty of the little boy that God gave to me for such a short time. I would tell him how much I miss him and I would ask him what all he has seen. I'd ask him if he knew how much he was loved here on earth and how proud I was to be the one God chose to carry him for his entire life. And then--I don't know. I'd be speechless.

What words do you use to tell a child you changed my whole life? You made me a better mom, a better person. Your absence gave me a drive to make a difference in the world that even I can't explain.  There are no words.

If you only know me through this blog, let me tell you a little background on myself. I've always been that person who wanted to change the world. I am a born dreamer. On more than one occasion people have pointed that out. Some see it as a bad thing, and some as a good thing. Even some of the people closest to me have called it every word but delusional. And that's okay. I take it as a compliment; because for them to notice, it must be working. Last year someone told me "We both have that same attitude. We still think we can change the world". My response? I hope it stays that way. I pray we never lose that. I love this quote:

  Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world Are the ones who do.  

I must admit though, that before Barrett, I had become complacent. I was complacent in everything. I was right where those negative ones were pushing me. But through Barrett, God showed me that and I will never be the same again. Losing Barrett changed me in the best way possible. My whole outlook on life has changed. God has given me one shot at life in this crazy world. Barrett got one shot too. Barrett's purpose was completed in 18 weeks. He made a huge impact on this world that isn't even close to being over. If Barrett, my tiny little boy, could do that in 18 weeks, surely I can make the best of the years God is giving me. 

The questions will always be here. Why do babies die? Why do bad things happen to good people? But maybe it's the "whys" that make life beautiful. Not that death or any of those things are beautiful. But the fact that we don't have all the answers. We don't always know why. If we knew everything, would we ever find ourselves in that place where we are 100% leaning on Him? That most vulnerable point in my life was in an ultrasound room surrounded by questions I will never know all the answers to. I feel like they are unanswered for many reasons. One of those reasons is that if I knew why my baby died, my personality would probably become so fixated on that one thing that I would again become complacent. Another reason being that when those questions take over my mind, all I can do is lean on Him.God used Barrett to show me what it's like to be vulnerable and that it's okay to be that way. That it can be a good thing even though it scares me more than anything.

So, I don't know exactly what I would tell Barrett. I would hope that the joy he has given me would overflow enough that he would just know. The difference Barrett has made in my life has inspired me to Pay it Forward. I'll be paying it forward the rest of my life in his name; not just through Barrett's Blankets, but wherever the Lord leads me. Someone shared the following today and everything about it screamed Barrett's name to me:

A Special Day in Heaven~ Author Unknown~
Once upon a special day in heaven up above, the tiniest souls sat at God's feet, surrounded by His love.
The time was coming very soon, God said, "Don't be scared.Your family awaits your arrival,now let us get prepared." And so God looked upon these souls,in mute consideration. He knew the life each one would live, He weighed each situation.
The souls chatted amongst themselves and wondered who they'd be. They knew the day grew closer; soon they would meet their family.
How would you like to change the world? God asked each soul in fun. The chance to change a soul, a heart, is held by only one.
I'm going to make the world laugh, one soul said with a smile, for laughter heals a broken heart and helps us through each trial.Then take with you the brightest smile, and share your laughter well. The soul thanked God immensely and down to earth he fell.
And I'll remind the world to sing, a sweet little soul told the Lord. I have the gift of a beautiful voice, I can hit every note and every chord. You'll have the gift of music then, a voice, lovely and strong. Share your gift with others and let them hear your song.
I will show compassion, the next little soul raised her hand. Some people only need a friend, someone to understand. Compassion is a good thing. God said with much delight. For you, I will give mercy, you'll perceive wrong from right.
And so each soul shared every thought, their plans, their hopes and dreams. And God explained that life, it is, much harder than it seems.
And as each soul began to leave in a scurry of laughter and fun, heaven became quiet and still, for left was only one. Come sit with me my little child, God said with a sigh. Do you know how many you will touch, in a world left wondering why?
Before your life comes to an end, you will know much strife, but you will teach those who know you, to cherish the smallest things in life. And some may only know you through a simple photograph. They'll never hold you in their arms, or memorize your laugh. Some may only know you through the words they read each day, but you'll do something wonderful, you will make them stop and pray.
The tiniest soul raised his head up, to touch God's firm, strong hand. Father, I am ready, for the life you have planned. And I will do the best I can without a word or deed, for you, Lord, are the planter, and I will be your seed.
He could already hear many praying,and although they had not seen his face, they were praying for his safe arrival, they were asking for mercy and grace.
What talent do I leave with Lord? What gift do you impart? All that you will need, God said, I've placed within your heart. And so God kissed this tiny child, knowing all that he would be, and whispered as he watched him go...... you'll teach them.... to love Me.

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