Sunday, November 11, 2012

I Grieve with Hope

To say 2012 has been a rough year for my family would be an understatement. From the loss of my son in August to the loss of my grandfather 4 days ago, I can say the last 2 1/2 months have been trying. After losing my grandfather on Wednesday night, I mockingly said to someone What else can 2012 possibly throw my way?. She told me I shouldn't have asked and of course she was right as Friday night I found myself in the emergency room in excruciating pain with a cyst on my kidney. Haha 2012. Well played. That was a rhetorical question.

As I began to mix grieving for my grandfather with the grieving process I was already well into with Barrett, I began to think of a favorite verse of mine.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13

I don't know how ANYONE can go through a loss without Jesus. If I did not have the hope of seeing my son again, I would not be the person I am today. I would be curled up in a ball under the covers refusing to come out for anyone. The one thing that has allowed me to pick my head up and get out of bed everyday with a smile on my face is the fact that I know I will see my son again and I know that right now the arms that held me up on August 22, 2012 are holding him now. I can't even comprehend what it would be like to grieve without that hope.

I have had the wonderful pleasure of meeting so many amazing women who have suffered a similar loss. I love talking to you all and I pray for each of you everyday. If you are grieving without hope, I'd love to talk to you about that also, because there is hope. I can testify that without my Jesus I never would have made it out of that ultrasound room on August 22. When people ask me how I did that alone, I tell them I wasn't alone. I may have appeared to be by myself at that appointment that day, but I promise you my Jesus was there carrying me every step of the way. That's the only reason I was even able to walk out of that room, much less make it through the coming days.

One of my weakest points in my faith has always been my desire to be independent and do things all on my own. The problem with that is that God wants me to be dependent on Him. That day, I learned that I can't do things on my own. I learned just how much I need Him to love me and to lead me. That day I was 100% dependent on Him because on my own I literally could do nothing. In that moment, my God was all I had. My husband was at work and my baby inside of me was already with my Savior. For just a second I felt all alone. But when I cried out to God before making that call to my husband, I literally just felt like someone was holding me; like someone wrapped their arms around me and carried me out of that room. That feeling never left me.

So in saying that, I praise God that though I will grieve for Barrett the rest of my life, I do so with the hope of seeing him again. I praise God that I am able to smile when I think of him, because I picture him in heaven learning all about my Savior, and I can't wait for him to tell me all about it on that Glorious Day, when I can finally run to him and hug him all I want.


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