Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Big Question

Since starting Barrett's Blankets and sharing my Barrett and his story with the world, I have noticed there is one question I am answering quite a bit. At least once a day, I get asked what happened to Barrett.

In a way I had hoped to have an answer--to have something to blame it on so I wouldn't spend the rest of my life analyzing every move I made during my pregnancy. But I didn't get answers. The truth is, medically we have no answers for what happened to Barrett. All of the tests they ran on him showed a perfectly healthy baby boy. All of the tests they ran on me came back negative as well. His heart simply stopped beating.

So, the only answer I have is that it was God's plan for Barrett to be with Him. Everyone has told me, it won't happen again. The odds are in my favor. But honestly, that doesn't make me or Brent any less terrified of enduring this hurt again.

The fact is that the odds were in my favor the first time, but he died anyway. The odds of it happening to me were slim to none, but here I am. I've already been that statistic once, so there is no percentage or statistic that could make me feel any better about it.

So where do I find comfort for the future? In my Jesus. I know He is taking care of Barrett and I am starting to see His plans for me unfolding. I am trusting that whatever happens in our lives down the road, is in His plan. I am walking by faith and faith alone. I couldn't see why I didn't get to bring my baby home with me after delivering him, but every day I am seeing a little more of the picture and the incredible plans God laid out for my son. He knew my son before he was formed and He knew the plans He had for him. Psalm 139:13-16 and Jeremiah 29:11 confirm those truths for me everyday.

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