Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Don't Tell Me

 Rather than a vent, I prefer to call this an informative blog on what you should and shouldn't say to someone who has lost a baby.

I feel like I will be speaking for a lot of people who are walking in the same shoes as me when I say: Don't tell me to move on. Don't tell me that I need to move on for my daughter, or anyone else.

I believe a person is a person at the moment of conception. I believe that no matter how early or late in life you lose a child, whether it be 4 weeks into a pregnancy, or 16 years into life, you should grieve in your own way.

I believe that Barrett is just as much my child as Audrey is. I will give just as much attention to him as I do her, just in different ways. I don't need to "move on" for her. She loves her brother too. Just ask her. She loves to talk about him and include him in everything too.

Barrett's Bear from Robby's Rabbits
People make comments they shouldn't all the time, and I grit my teeth and smile because usually it is just because they don't know what to say. The only thing that just really bothers me is someone telling me to move on. We all grieve in our own way. Let me grieve in mine.

I will never be able to move on or get over it. Barrett will forever carry a piece of my heart with him. He will always be my second child and my first born son. First born son. I gave birth to him. I felt his precious kicks. I held him in my arms. I looked into his eyes. I counted his fingers and toes. I looked over every inch of his body. And then, I let him go.

You don't get over that. You just learn to get through it. One day at a time, one moment at a time. The pain and the grief doesn't go away, it just changes every day. It doesn't lessen or ease, it gets different. You learn to find the joy and happiness in the midst of the pain, but the pain still exists. It always will.

Here's another. Don't avoid the subject. Our children exist. Avoiding talking about them, doesn't ease our pain. In fact, for most of us talking is therapeutic. When you talk about our children, you acknowledge their life. When you acknowledge that they lived, that is the most precious thing you can give us.

A Mother's Grief

You ask me how I'm feeling,

but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,

what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,

but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,

you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,

Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,

that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me

say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending

as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things

that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,

How should one behave,
who's had to follow their child's casket,
watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine

what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,

and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,

reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen

that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.
~Author unknown


  1. Wow - that was written beautifully and perfectly. I am one of those moms who has had a early pregnancy loss - and there are so many people who do not recognize that I lost a child. They definitely don't recognize me as a mother. So, Mother's Day comes and goes - and there is no acknowledgment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I am going to start following your blog. Oh.... and thanks again for Gabriella's beautiful blanket. :)


I love hearing from you :)