Friday, October 12, 2012

Apologies and Such

This post was written solely for the purpose of allowing me to vent and get some things out of my head.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I don't meet your standards. I love you anonymous, but I have to say I hate the way you make me feel. I hate that you are the only one who can get to me. How did you get this power over me?

Dear Anonymous,

The wound in my heart is fresh. It's only been 50 days since I lost Barrett. 50 days since I endured eleven hours of labor knowing it was in vain. 50 days since I heard "The baby is here" yet at the same time heard silence rather than the beautiful cry of a newborn baby. 50 days since I grabbed him and wept as I looked into his beautiful eyes and counted his fingers and toes. 50 days since I was wheeled out of the hospital empty handed as my newborn son made his way to a funeral home. 50 days. That's not very long. It's been 47 days since I cried over his tiny casket. 47 days since I said my final goodbyes. 47 days since I rode away knowing they were about to bury my first born son. 47 days. That's not very long either. Anonymous, please don't throw salt in my very fresh wound. I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do.

Dear Anonymous,

Do you know why I know exactly how many days it's been? Because no matter how hard I try, I can't stop counting. It never fails that every morning for just a second I let myself forget long enough to lay my hands on my stomach. But when I feel how flat it is, I am violently jerked back into the reality of being a grieving parent.

"When a wife loses her husband, she is called a widow.
When a husband loses his wife, he is called a widower.
There is no name for a parent who loses a child."

Dear Anonymous,

Please leave me be. Let me grieve. Maybe one day I'll have the energy to please you, but for now I don't.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10


I love hearing from you :)