Sunday, October 14, 2012


Pregnancy/Infant Loss Walk 10/13/12
It's been almost 8 weeks since my son was born. I can tell you exactly what I was doing 8 weeks ago today. I was buying clothes for Barrett. I bought him 4 or 5 bags of clothes 8 weeks ago and I was so excited and happy as I picked out the tiny little outfits and brought them home to hang in his closet. I imagined him wearing each of them and I imagined holding him and the pictures I would take and the life he would be living in each one.

It never occurred to me that he would never be able to wear them. It never occurred to me that he would never use the pack n' play I bought or swing in his little green swing. I never imagined that he would be buried with the little blue bear in his closet. But who does think that? We are amazingly oblivious to these things until it happens to us or someone close to us. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss within the first year of life. That is a terrifying statistic. Even with all of our medical technologies today, it is still at 25%. It amazes me how so many people try to push this out of their minds because it's too depressing to deal with. I used to be that person. But for the ones who are affected by it, we can't do that. We are forced to live it every day.

In saying all of that, I have walked a very tough road the last 8 weeks. I would be lying if I told you it hasn't been hard and painful. There have been days that I didn't want to get up--that I wanted to stay in bed and hide. But I can't do that--I have a daughter and husband who need me and life does go on.

But just because I am walking a road of pain, doesn't mean I'm "unhappy" and if you got that from me, I'm sorry because it was a false impression. I was happy 8 weeks ago. Today, I am full of joy. I titled this post "Abundance" because I truly feel an abundance of joy in my life right now. For some reason people seem to think that joy and pain cannot coexist. I don't know why we make that assumption, because they can. The greatest trial I could endure in this life could never steal the joy I have that only comes from Jesus Christ. And I can attest to that because I buried my son 7 weeks ago today, I am smiling and joyful.

But just because I am smiling, does that mean I no longer hurt and long for my son? Of course not. That pain doesn't go away. It just gets different as you learn to live with it. Joy and pain are peacefully coexisting in my life right now.

I mourn every day for the what if's and could have beens. But I rejoice every day for everything God is doing through Barrett's life. Barrett, like Audrey, has brought an incredible amount of happiness and so many smiles to my life.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day tomorrow, I made a video for my sweet boy that can be viewed by Clicking Here

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

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