Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Hard Questions

For those of you who were not around Audrey when I was pregnant with Barrett, I have to tell you she was extremely excited. She talked about the baby all of the time and was always wanting to buy things for him.

When we first told her that Barrett was an angel, she didn't really mention it for awhile. Then every once in awhile she would say something about him being in heaven. Lately, she has been asking a lot of questions as most three year old's do. A lot of her questions now revolve around her brother.

It broke my heart when she started crying for him at the cemetery on Sunday, and yesterday she broke my heart all over again. When I picked her up from school, she started crying when we got back into town. I was shocked because nothing had happened to make her cry.

Me: Audrey what's wrong?

Barrett's One Month Balloons
Audrey: Mommy, big sisters are supposed to read to their little brother. I don't want Barrett to be sad because I can't read him baby books.

I had to catch my breath as I struggled to pick up the pieces of my heart when it shattered right there in the car. How do you even answer that? I didn't realize she even thought about those things. I know that I am always thinking about the things I didn't get to do with him, but it never occurred to me that Audrey would be doing the same thing.

 I told her that next time we went to visit him, she could take a book to read to him and that I felt very sure Jesus would make sure that Barrett was listening to his big sister. I thought the conversation was over. Then as we were coming into our neighborhood, she started again.

Audrey: Mommy when is there going to be another baby in your belly?

Me: If God blesses us with another baby, then that is when another baby will be in Mommy's belly, but I don't know when that will be.

Audrey: When there is another baby in  your belly, will I get to hold it this time?

My already broken heart dropped into my stomach and broke all over again. Brent and I are both terrified of going through this again, as I am sure everyone who has been down this road is. I never even considered that my young daughter shared the same fears in her own way. I told her that if it was in God's plan then of course she could.  I fought back a river a tears the entire time. She is wise beyond her years.

Though she hasn't really expressed much grief until the past few days, I am starting to realize that she is grieving in her own three year old way. As her father and I long to hold Barrett and watch him grow, she longs to do all of the things with him that a big sister should.

I am sure there will be more hard questions to come, and I pray that when they do, God will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to my brave little girl.

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