Saturday, September 15, 2012

Do Not Be Afraid

If you know someone who lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived and that is a great, great gift.

Elizabeth Edwards

Before I lost Barrett, I would never have known what to say to someone who had been through this. In fact, I would probably try to avoid baby talk at all. I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't feel just a little hurt in my heart when I see beautiful pregnant bellies, but avoiding babies isn't going to make that go away. I love children with all of my heart, and being a mommy is my favorite job God has given me in this life. I have no intention of hiding under a rock--it won't help the pain. I thought about it at first, but then I realized what good would it do? 

Then, I started talking about my son, and I realized the more I talked about him, the easier it got to walk by his empty nursery or look through his scrapbook. 

So many people come up to talk to me and I can tell they are afraid to talk to me about it. I know they are scared they will say the wrong thing and I can't blame them. If it were the other way around, I would be the same way. Nothing in life can prepare you to handle this. There is no handbook on what to say.

So, I just wanted to say, it is perfectly ok to mention Barrett to me. In fact, I welcome it. My son is just as much a part of my life as Audrey is. It would be impossible for me to not talk about him--just like I can't go five minutes without mentioning Audrey. I love talking about both of my children. I can't promise I won't tear up. It usually happens when I least expect it. But I promise, my tears do not mean you have to avoid him in conversation. I adore my son and I love  telling people about him. I am incredibly proud of both of my children. 

I encourage you to ask me about my son and let me tell you what God is doing through his life. Even if I tear up, I promise my face will light up as I tell you about my little boy. 

For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition.

1 Samuel 1:27

I always used this verse to refer to Barrett, and I still do. He was and is the little boy my husband and I longed for. Only, he is so much more. Like Audrey did before him and still does, he has made me so proud to be his mom. I don't have my son here with me, but the Lord did answer my prayers. The Lord is faithful, and He doesn't change. He was a loving and faithful God as I walked into the ultrasound room thinking I would see my boy again on August 22, 2012 and He was the same loving and faithful God the next morning when I held my lifeless son in my arms. I am understanding more and more everyday, that, though God didn't answer my prayer the way I had planned, He answered it in a much bigger way.

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