Thursday, August 30, 2012

Who Needs Pictures?

I remember listening to a Brad Paisley song called "Who Needs Pictures?". In the song, he talks about boxes of pictures in the closet and then he says "Who needs pictures with a memory like mine?". While it's a sweet sentiment, no one's memory is perfect. It has been one week since my little angel, Barrett, was born so peacefully sleeping.

Today, I had the disposable camera the hospital gave us developed. They weren't the best pictures, but as I looked at my beautiful boy, I realized that in just one week my memory had already begun to fade just a little bit.

When we were getting our things together for the hospital, a camera was not exactly on my mind. Thank goodness, the hospital had one for us. Those pictures of Barrett are precious memories of the only time I had with my son on earth, and I will hold them close to my heart for as long as I walk this earth.

So in answer to this title, I need pictures. I love that I never have to worry about my imperfect memory failing me when it comes to my little angel. I can never express just how thankful I am for that precious gift I was given.

I can't believe it has been a week since my baby left us. In one way, it seems like the longest week of my life and in another, it seems to have flown by. Though I know where my baby is, I still long to have him here. I still feel so empty without him and even when I hold my baby girl, there is still a hurt knowing that I should be holding two precious babies.

I posted yesterday on Facebook that "sometimes pain doesn't get better, it just gets different. Grief puts on a new face every day." That statement really hit home with me because it is so true. I still hurt every day, but today is the first day that I've made it through without completely breaking down. Do I hurt any less? No, but I just hurt in a different way than I did a week ago. I think you just get a little stronger every day. Maybe it's not that pain goes away with time, but that you just get better at hiding it. Everyday it seems to be a little easier to choke back the tears. I was so proud that when the lady asked me about the pictures, I was able to tell her about my little angel without completely losing it.

The past week, my husband and my God have been my rock, so I feel I would be wrong to end this without sharing what is on my heart today. These are two of my favorite verses:

But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

1 Timothy 6:11-12

Lately, my heart has been so broken as I see people going to see things like Magic Mike, or reading 50 Shades of Grey who claim to be believers (Yes, I am prepared for any negative comments I get on this). I bought 50 Shades of Grey because I had NO CLUE what it was about, but saw everyone was reading it. Once I realized what it was, I was appalled. I literally felt horrible for buying it and couldn't get it out of my house fast enough. I was ashamed I had bought it without finding out what it was first. What breaks my heart, is seeing Christians defending reading these books and seeing this movie. The bottom line is, there is no way to Biblically defend seeing this movie, but there are plenty of ways to make a Biblical point of why you shouldn't. The most common thing I see is It's just a movie  or It's just a book. The Bible tells us not only to stay away from these things, but to flee them.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect, because that is very obvious. Please don't think that.If not for the sacrifice Jesus made, and His mercy and grace, I would have no hope. As I will tell anyone, I am a wretched, dirty sinner saved only by HIS grace. In fact at one time in my life, I probably would have been one of those girls in line for Magic Mike. I couldn't help but think how I would feel if my husband had gone to watch a female version of that and I praised God every day that I have a loving, godly husband who wouldn't even consider it.In saying that, besides being convicted to the core by my God, how could I do that to my husband?

The next argument I hear is, Don't judge me. Everyone says Christians are not to judge.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. "Purge the evil person from among you."

1 Corinthians 5:12-13

We are supposed to hold our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable, and you will be judged with the same measure by which you judge. As a believer, you carry God with you. So my question is, Would you feel comfortable reading that book or watching that movie or whatever you are doing with Jesus?, because you are. Someone reminded me of that once, and I have never forgotten it.  I feel like sometimes we do things and we might as well be saying Hey God, I don't care what You want me to do, this is what I want to do.

I say all this not to make people mad, but simply because it is weighing so heavy on my heart today--God has given me a platform and I'm using it to write what I feel led to write.

To everyone reading this--I am so grateful and I pray for you everyday--


I love hearing from you :)