Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Post I Never Wanted to Write

I didn't know what else to call this. It is what it is. I don't want to write this, but I have to. I still can't bring myself to talk about the past two days with anyone. Even thinking about mentioning it, makes me start to fall apart all over again. I have to write this, because I have to clear my head and sort through my thoughts. Writing is the only way I can do that without losing control.

On August 6, 2012, Brent and I received the exciting news that we were expecting a little boy. I called him our "little man", a name that seems so fitting for him now. That day, he looked perfect. He was moving and everything seemed to point to a healthy baby. That day, I was 15 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

Yesterday, on August 22, 2012, I went in for a routine check up. When I went back for the ultrasound I was so excited to see my angel again. But when I looked up at the screen, my joy faded because I knew something wasn't right. He was so still. He was too still. And the ultrasound technician was too quiet. She started measuring him and I watched as every measurement she took measured between 16-17 weeks. I was 18 weeks 1 day. My boy was too small. Then, she excused herself and I knew. I hoped I was wrong, and I laid on that table and PRAYED I was wrong, but it was true. Sometime between when I saw my perfect baby on August 6th and my appointment yesterday, my little man had stopped growing and his heart had stopped beating.

The doctor reassured me several times that it was not my fault and they didn't know why he had suddenly passed away. As the tears started to fall, I knew in my heart that it wasn't my fault or anything I could have done to save him. While Brent and I had so many hopes and dreams for Barrett, God had a different plan for him.

On my way home to pack my things before going to the hospital, I turned the music up in my car trying to distract myself. That morning, I had put a MercyMe CD in my car. I usually just listen to the radio, but God must have known what I would need to hear as I made that horrible drive. I turned it up as a song was ending. The next song on the CD was "Bring the Rain". If I hadn't been driving, I would have hit my knees right there. However, I was brought to my knees humbly before my God in a spiritual way.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

It is admittedly so hard for me to see the good in me losing my son, but I know that my God can bring good out of the darkest storm. My greatest prayer right now, is that Barrett's short life and the storm that our family is going through will somehow bring glory to God. I will admit that several times I have asked God "Why?". Surprisingly, I haven't felt anger though. I know God has a purpose for my little man's short life.  I am so thankful for the joy that carrying Barrett for 18 weeks brought to me, and for that I praise God. I praise God for giving me a beautiful little boy because, though I wasn't able to know him in this life, I can't wait to rock him in heaven.

Barrett Luker was born on August 23, 2012 at 6:05 a.m. and he weighed 4.6 ounces. He was born sleeping. I am so thankful for the amazing doctors and nurses who allowed us time with our boy and pictures of him that I will always hold close to my heart. I can honestly say, that today, I truly held one of God's angels in my arms. I like to picture him in heaven running around in his flawless heavenly body throwing a ball or getting muddy like little boys do.

As we spend the next few days preparing to lay him to rest, I find comfort in knowing this is not goodbye. We are simply saying farewell to his physical body and we will see you one day.

This has been a journey I never wanted to endure and one I wish no one had to go through. However, I can't wait to see what kind of glorious things God will do through my little angel's short life here on earth.

I have been thinking all day of something that I could do to honor my son. Project Linus takes homemade blankets and gives them to children in the hospital. So, I have decided I am going to crochet as many blankets as I can to donate to this cause in honor of my angel. I would like to ask that anyone who would like to help with this, to send some yarn my way--any color and as much or as little as you would like. Every bit will go towards making a blanket for a sick child in the hospital that will be donated in Barrett's name. I am hoping to make a big donation to this cause in honor of the angel heaven has gained.

Lastly, I want to say how much we appreciate all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. We have been overwhelmed to tears by the amount of love and support we have received the last 2 days. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. We will never be able to adequately express our gratitude towards you all, but please know that it has meant the world to us. We love every single one of you.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 
James 1:2-4

*Please forgive any grammatical or spelling errors. After typing all of this, I cannot to bear to read through it again right now to proofread.


  1. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I can say that your attitude is TRULY AMAZING AND A BLESSING TO ME. It helps me to remember that I need to have an attitude like this in life and be thankful for more. You are so right about so much. I will be praying for you guys.

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  3. Sending much love and many prayers for you, Brent & Audrey...

  4. I will most definatly be praying for you and your husband. Your faithfulness to God is inspiring... God bless you my sister in Christ. I know that your angel is having a blast in heaven... that was our only consolation when our little girl went to be with the Lord. A huge hug is being sent your way.

  5. Staci,

    I don't know you, but saw your blog on a friend's Facebook. It hurts to think about enduring your loss. The fact that you are trying to find a way to heal and make something positive out of your pain inspires me. Where can I send yarn? I pray your family continues to find peace and comfort.

  6. Yarn can be sent to
    405 Farley Lane
    Butler, AL 36904

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, kind words, and encouragement. You all have been such a blessing to us during this time. We have been so touched by the response to our little man's story.

  7. Tears! I found your blog through the link up today. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how you and your husband handled this type of situation. I do ultrasounds and having to tell parents this horrible news never gets any easier. Congrats on your new little one. Such a joy!!

  8. Your strength gives me strength. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know that God has a beautiful plan for your life! The music from MercyMe, Casting Crowns, and Natalie Grant have gotten me through a lot of difficult times. Prayers go out to your family-- and *hugs* too!

  9. Prayers and lots of hugs for you! I'm glad that you got to spend those precious moments with him.

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