Sunday, August 26, 2012

Peanut

I called this one "Peanut", not because it has anything to do with what I'm writing, but because that was Barrett's nickname until we knew that he was a boy. Today, I buried my son. But I praise God that I am only burying his physical body. Yes, I cried. I still cry and I will for awhile. I cry because my body feels empty without him. I cry because I know that in January that rocking chair will still be empty and I won't be home with my boy. But I heard a song this morning and one line really stuck out to me. The song was "If You Could See Me Now" by Jeff Bates:

If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place

I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard

I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.

If you could see me now...

Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star

If you could see me now...

We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.

Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me

Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him

If you could see me now I'd tell you

That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through


The line that stands out to me is the one that says this:

If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
 
It stands out to me because I know it's true. If I could see him now, I could never bring him back. He is in heaven praising our Creator and while I grieve for him here on earth, I can only imagine what he is seeing and how happy he is. He will never hurt and he will never be sad. He will never know heartbreak. 
 
I grieve, but I grieve knowing my son is happy and I will see him one day, when God is done with me here. 
 

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13

I grieve with hope. My baby was born sleeping, but now he is in the arms of the Savior who created him. 
 
I have been putting off talking to Audrey about her brother. How do you explain to a three year old who was so excited about her brother that he is no longer here? Luckily, my three year old continuously proves to be wise beyond her years. I asked her if she remembered that Barrett was in mommy's tummy and when she said "Yes", I cried as I told her he wasn't there anymore. She didn't say anything, she just looked at me as I cried and when I found my words again, I told her that he was an angel now. She looked at me a little longer and she said, "Mommy, did Jesus need him?". She blew my mind. But I told her yes and she still had a little brother, but yes, Jesus needed him to come be an angel. I don't know how much she understands it, but I know I will never forget her response. 
 
Last night, Audrey started singing her new favorite song "Where I Belong" by Building 429. It says this:
 
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
 
And while she so beautifully sang it as loud as she could, I kept thinking, no, we're not home, but Barrett is. And while I cry for him and grieve for him, I find peace and comfort in knowing that I will never spend a day in my life worrying about him. I know he is being taken care of by the one who gave him his short, beautiful life.  
 
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me

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