Saturday, August 25, 2012

A Letter to My Son

This is more for my benefit than it is anyone else. My son has had such an amazing impact already and for that I give all the glory to God. But I'm sure everyone knows that I am only human, and I am a mother, so there is a huge side of me that is desperately grieving for my son. I am so thankful that my God knows that. Amy Grant's song "Better than a Hallelujah" came on my Pandora radio yesterday as if God knew I needed that reminder.

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)
Better than a Hallelujah
(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)


Dear Barrett,

The last two days have been so incredibly painful, but I wouldn't trade it any of it for the joy that I got from carrying you for eighteen beautiful weeks. Those few kicks I felt, I will always treasure. It still hurts to look down at my flat stomach and know you are no longer there, but time and prayer will make that easier I know. I will always treasure those two times when your dad and I were able to hold you in our arms, though it will never replace the lifetime that we thought we would be holding you. I think about you a lot, in fact you are on my mind 24 hours a day, even in my sleep. That's why I don't sleep much right now. Right now, when I think about you, I cry a lot, but I know that I will see you again one day. I want you to know that for every tear I've cried, you could take each one and multiply it by the biggest number there is, and you wouldn't come anywhere close to how much I love you. Though you don't physically walk this earth with us, you will always be my first son, my second child, and my little man. Your sister so badly wanted to get you a Dream Light. She has a turtle that shines stars all over her room while she sleeps. She wanted to get you one that looks like a puppy. Though she was never able to do that, I can only imagine the view of the stars you have now. I look at the rocking chair in your room and I so badly want to rock you just one more time, but I know I would never be satisfied with one more time. I would always want more. I would always want that lifetime we dreamed of with you. When your dad and I found out we were having another baby, we wanted a little boy so badly. And though you left us so soon, we still got our dream. We got our precious little boy and your tiny self was so much more than we ever could have imagined. You were so beautiful. I will always treasure my pictures of your sweet little face, but one thing that I will never forget were your tiny little feet. You were like a little doll. I truly believe there are angels among us, and I will believe the rest of my life that when I held you in my arms, I had the rare opportunity of holding one of God's treasured angels. We don't know what happened with your physical body that caused you to leave us so suddenly, but I know that now you have a perfect heavenly body. I believe that God creates all children for a purpose as it says in the verses we had your picture made with, Psalm 139:12-16. I believe that God's purpose for you was just too great for you to be able to fulfill on this earth. Tomorrow, we will lay your physical body to rest. Mom and Dad and all of your family will probably cry because we are human and we miss you a lot, but know that we are also celebrating your life. Though Momma cries a lot, you brought me an incredible amount of joy and now, you have touched more lives in two days than I thought it was possible to do in a lifetime. I know you see Momma making these blankets in your memory. The one I am making now is the hardest, because it was supposed to be yours. I hope that makes it extra special for the little boy who will use it here on this earth. Please bear with me as I continue to grieve your absence on this earth. As I write this, our mailbox was just filled with yarn that people have donated in your memory and to celebrate your life. Your sister amazes me everyday, and now you do too. I love you so much, but I have faith that you already know that and that someone is rocking you for me until I come home to see you. You are one amazing little man.

Love,
Momma


**Once again please excuse any typos. Please understand that while writing this helps me to heal, it hurts to much to read through it again once I get it out.

2 comments:

  1. thank you for writing all these blogs...we have so much in common. i have a daughter,addison who is 2,I just recently had a son born sleeping 11 days before my due date,levi. and now,6 months after having him we are pregnant with our third child. i am a godly woman and agree with all of your blogs...it is so comforting to me to know you underwent the same things and are atill staying strong in your faith in god... love to you and your family. -angie

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